What the Hell!
by Dark Man's Girl
Summary: Ron and Harry get drunk. It involves drag, chess, pizza and Malfoy! It may be over rated, as in M is to high of a rating for it, but better safe than having some person yelling at me and my account frozen.


Disclaimer: I only own Michelle, the delivery girl, the flat and the plot, otherwise, everything else belongs to JKRowling and Warner Brothers.

WHAT THE HELL!

The girls had left Ron and Harry alone in thier flat for a day of shopping. Alone with a large pizza, a cabnet full of liquor, and mixed with the mind of three nineteen year old boys you have the makings of some grade a funny ass, shit.

"So, Harry, we have the flat entierly to ourselves for a whole day without the girls. What do you want to do?"

"The same thing we do everytime the girls leave the house for the day, get drunk, play chess, and dare eachother to do stupid things we'll regret when the girls get home." said harry, pouring some firewhiskey and tequilla into a shot glass.

"So, what have we got on the menu today?"

"Well,we have some tequlla, firewhisky, beer, red wine, white wine, scotch, shnapps,rum, gin, brandy, spiked cider, and some of thoes wine coolers Hermione drinks when she gets overly uptight."

"Why do we have so much alcohol?"

"I don't know, you bought all of it."

"Not ALL of it." Ron said "Hermione bought her wine coolers."

" Actually technicaly, you picked them up on the way home from work a month ago for her."

"Damn it!"

"oh, well, we'd better use it. Perhaps we could seduce the girls tonight."

"If we're not hammered too much to remember, I plan on getting uber drunk. If I do it when Hermione's around she's all over my ass, and kills the buzz."

"Let's start, shall we?" Harry said, drinking the shot.

Abot an hour and twenty shots later Harry and Ron stumbled to the couch and set up a game of chess "Alright" Harry slurred "the first person to get thier peice taken off the board calls up malfoy and tell him to get hi scrawny ass over here."

"Right" said Ron, no more sober than a circus clown"Then, the first person who has a bishop taken away gets to dress up like a girl, and anser the door when he comes over." So, lone and behold, Ron took Harry's pawn, and Harry took Ron's bishop.

Harry stumbled over to the phone, giggling the whole way, and dialed malfoy's number. A woman ansered th phone "hello?" She said.

"Hello, may I talk to...Draco- please?"Harry and Ron both bursted out laughing at harry saying Malfoy's first name."Alright, shut up, shut up."

"O-ok."

A few seconds later Malfoy picked up the phone "hello?"

"Hello, mate" said Harry, with Ron giggling in the background " I need you to come over to my house in, like fifteen minutes, k?"

"I suppose. Have you been drinking?"

"NOOOO!" said Harry "Well, maybe a little." Ron and Harry burst out in laughter.

"Ok then, I'll be over in twenty minutes."

" K, bye."Harry said hanging up the phone "Let's get you girlie-fied"

In Ginny, and Hermione's room they found a very short, spaghetti strap, black dress, a pair of fishnet pantyhose, and very high black heels. Ron put them on and whined "I don't have anything to fill this dress out with."

"I know, go get a strapless bra, and put it on." Harry rushed out to the kitchen and filled two water baloons to the same size, and brought them back. "Clevage!" Harry stuffed the waterballoons into the bra, and pulled up the front of the dress. Rumaging through yet another of Ginny's dawers, Ron found makeup. Harry caked on the lipstick, eye shadow, and blush before putting a lengthening charm on ron's hair and putting into a clip. "You look slutty. Perhaps I should take off a little of that eye shadow." The doorbell rang. "Too late."

Ron rushed to the door almost falling from the heels, and his intoxicated state."Hello, Malfoy." Ron said as he opened the door in the calmest, most casual manner he could muster "Why don't you come in?"

"Tell me, how much acohol have you guys drank? Particularly Ron."

"Oh, a few shots of this and that." said Harry lazily " Want some?"

"Sure,but I don't think I'll be getting quite as intoxicated as you to." Though Malfoy had said this, an hour later he was just as if not more drunk than the other two, having finnished off an unopened bottle of gin by himself. "So guys, let's play some chess."

"But, I'm hungry!" whined Ron, still in the dress

"The girls left money for pizza" Said harry, his hair spiked with cool whip, due to a sneak attak from Ron.

"I'll call,right now" said ron.

"Then it's me and you."

"So, what's your dare?" Asked Harry.

"First person to loose both of thier nights ansers the door in nothing but their undewear, with a beer bottle in one hand, and ron in the other and has to speak in that god aweful American deep south accent." Said Malfoy, proud that he had thought of something clever.

"ooh, good one. I haven't got anything like that, so let's stick to it."And the battle began, both boys gaurded thier knights with all of thier drunken abilities, but in the end Harry took Malfoy's last night with a triuphant smile on his face. "Start stripping, the pizza will be here any minute." Malfoy stripped down to nothing but a pair of white briefs, and rummaged through the refrigerator to find a beer. The door bell rang and with ron in one arm and a beer inthe other he opened the door.

" How ya doin' y'all?" Said Malfoy "Me'n'my bitch were gettin' plum hungry, good thing ya showed up in time, I mighta had to shoot ya." The delivery girl, who was of course younger than them, was mortified and tried to gain composure as best as she could.

"Hey, paw, did that there pizza get here yet?" said Harry, wanting to play along. "Well, I thought you dun ordered a pizza not a cutie pie." the girl turned crimson red." I'd rather have a slice a you."

"Now, son." said Ron in a high pitched southern accented voice "Judging by the looks of her, that'd be illegal."

"Since when has the law concerned you? You did fix me and Ella May up. How old's she? 14."

"Anyway," said the girl "That's, um, nine pounds."

"How much?" siad Malfoy, having no sense of muggle money.

"Here, sweet thang." harry said handing the girl a ten pound note. "Keep the change."he said winking.

"Have a good day." said the girl smiling nervously.

"You too." Said Harry. Malfoy closed the door and they collapsed laughing. A moment later they heard a pop.

"You bitches! You busted my boobs!" said ron in a valley girl voice. Indeed his top half was soaking, as well as his makeup smeared all over his face.

" We are bitches, we messed up your make up, too. You look more whorish than when i got here." said Malfoy, as he opened the box of pizza and took a slice.

Taking a peice of pizza, himself Ron said "Well, you'll be paying for that, the both of you."

"well," harry took a bite of his peice of pizza "I think we should get that book of glamour spells hermione has and see exactly how we'll pay."

"Food first!" ron siad taking a second peice of pizza. Harry got up and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. "toss one over here."

"Me too" said Malfoy. So, harry handed each one a beer and that lead to them finishing off a twelve pack. After finishing a fourth slice of pizza, Ron ran into the girl's room and grabbed Hermione's book. Flipping through it, he found just the spell he needed.

He walked out to the kitchen and shouted "larconceleletet!" and instantly Harry's and Malfoy's faces flashed in bright colors. "very interesting, but I thinkI can do better.'' flipping through the book again, he said "courtlebras!" ad their arms shortened to half thier size

"You asshole!" yelled Malfoy.

" And, I get the last peice of pizza" siad ron. He put the pizza in his mouth, crust first, before he heard

"COURTLEBRAS!" harry yelled, and Ron's arms were now as short as Harry and Malfoy's, pizza dangling out of his mouth. "Now, Malfoy, let's get the pizza!" Malfoy and harry cahsed after him and had him nearly pinned to the floor, each having a peice of the pizza in thier mouth as they were all tugging at it for themselves as the girlswalked in with shopping bags in each hand. Now, befor I explain to you the reactions the girls have let me remind you of the state of the boys. Ron still has on the dress, which the top half is damp due to the explosion of his "boobs", the fishnet pantyhose, high heels, smeared heavy makeup, his now long red hair in a clip and midget arms. Harry's hair is spiked with cool whip, his face is fashing in different colors of the rainbow, and has Midget arms. Malfoy was in nothing but his underwear, a face flashing rainbow colors, and had midget arms. Besides that empty bottles of various acohol were everywhere.

Hermione walked over to ron at a dangerously slow speed. " Ron, sweetie, why are you in my dress?" she said in a venemously sweet voice.

Ron let go of the slice fo pizza in his mouth "B-because Ginny's wouldn't fit."

"I see, and her pantyhose did?"

"They're...(gulp)...st-stretchy?"

"Ok, and why is the top half of my dress wet, when it id dry clean only?"

Ron was afraid now, the longer Hermione held these sweet investigations the worse it was for Ron. "Because...Harry put...water balloons in the bra underneath."

"I see and why did harry put water ballons in the bra underneath?"  
"Because Harry got to my bishop befor I got to his."he said nervously.

" Good job harry. Now please stand up ron." he stood up."Now, kiss me ron." ron hesitated but pecked her on the cheek very quickly, he knew this trick." I don't think so." she said befor she grabbed the back of ron's head and pressed her lips to his. She forced his lips open and immediatly tasted alcohol. "Hey Gin, you might want to take a tatste of harry."

Ginny came over and did the same thing to harry. " It' looks like our boy's have been drinking."

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, would you like me to get Michelle over here? I'm sure she'd like to taste waht you've been up to."

"Oh, my a whole bottle of gin gone, that is what you drink, isn't it?"

"No, PLEASE don't get Michelle!"

"Actually, Hermione, I have a better idea." ginny whispered in her ear. "I'll be right back, boys" she disapparated, and came back five minutes later with a bottle of tequilla and a bottle of vodka."Here boys, drink up. We want these bottles drained, get moving" five minutes is all the boys remembered of drinking the stuff, and getting very giggly.

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Harry opened his eyes to find himself stark naked, wedged between Ron, and malfoy, who were both equally as naked. He screamed louder than he ever had befor. "WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO LAST NIGHT!" Which set off two more ear peircing screams from either side of him.

"WHAT THE HELL! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!" yelled Malfoy

THe girls casualywalked into the boy's room "Good morning boys, Sleep well?" asked Hermione.

"What the hell happened last night!" yelled Ron

"Ugh, you guys couldn't keep yourselves off one another! Barely got to sleep myself, sounded like a pack of wolves in here." ansered Ginny. All of the boys turned crimson red, suddenly noticing all of the charms had been lifted.

"W-where are my clothes? I need to go home." said malfoy in a small voice."Michelle will be worried."

"Oh, she's very worried." said ginny

"Especially about losing you to a man." finished Hermione. "Theyr'e in the livingroom."

Malfoy walked out of the room with a sheet wrapped around him. And after putting his clothes on he left without a word.

Harry jumped out of ron's bed pulled clothes out of his drawer, and sat on his bed.

"So, I'm assuming you'll want to be leaving me for my brother?" asked Ginny

" No, Ginny, I-I'm not gay, I swear. I love you!"

"So, now your homophobia kicks in?" asked ginny "It sure wasn't working last nightwhen you were begging to get in on the action while Ron an Malfoy were snogging."

"WHAT!" exclaimed Ron

"You've never snogged me like that befor, I can assure you that." said Hermione

"Oh, no." said ron, tears welling in his eyes. "But, -but, I love you. How ..."

"Ginny, I...But..." both boys were crying freely now.

"How can we make this up to you guys?" Ron asked with a stream of tears rolling down his cheek.

"By not getting drunk so often." said Hermione

"And of course telling us exactly what happened last night." finished Ginny

"Well..." ron and harry told the girls what had happened. At the end of their tale the girls were in fits of laughter.

Suppressing a giggle Ginny asked "Should we tell them?"

" I think it would be best." said hermione, tearstreaming dopwn her eyes.

After taking several moments to compose themselves, Ginny said. "Now we'll tell you our story.

" Last night we had planned to come home and have a quiet evening with our hubbies, after a hectic day of shopping. Well, obviously that wasn't going to happen, from the state you were in. I obviosly wanted to strangle all three of you until your eye balls fell out, but Ginny came up woth a much better idea."

"I thought, why not play with thier minds? So I bought you tequilla, and vodka, to make sure there was a point you couldn't remember things, then you blacked out. Well, that had completely threw off our plans, we were going to have you dress up like girls, though Ron wasn't going to be a problem, and then take pictures of you, give them to the twins, the whole deal. But, any way, Hermione had a back up plan already.

"So, we stripped ya and put you into bed together."

" Though you guys snuggled together perfectly on your own, but anyway. So, we called Michell, to let her in on it. Apparently, she's been looking to get revenge on him for ages, so she happily accepted to play along. She's probably not going to tell him for a few days, so don't you spoil it!"  
"We decided to let up if you cried, and you did, so..."

"Are you telling me that you guys took all of our clothes off? Even Malfoy?" asked Harry

"Well, there wasn't much to take off I-"Ginny started

"You are not allowed to take anyone else's clothes off, except mine!"said Harry sternly

"That goes for you to, Hermione." said Ron

"I'm not allowed to take anyone's clothes off except Harry's?"

"You know what I mean."

"So, you're not as mad at us for tricking you into thinking you guys were being gay, than for taking off Malfoy's underwear in the prosses of making you think you guys were being gay?"

"Um, no."

"Not really."

"What the hell!" shouted Hermione.

"Hey, ah, can I get some hangover potion?"

THE END


End file.
